Characters

          Okay, I’m a writer, so watch yourself.  I don’t set out intending to use you in a story, play, or book, but I might.  The farther you slip from center, the more likely you’ll see yourself in something I’ve written.  It isn’t my fault.  It’s yours.

          Act right.  Be “normal”.  Don’t be a 75 year old woman in a bikini, with leather tanned skin and hot pink hair extensions and I won’t write about you.

          If you work with me and you bitch about every single thing in your life, you will show up in a play and it isn’t going to be flattering.  It might not be while we are still working together but I’m making notes and you’re in them.

          When the veins stick out in your neck like soba noodles and your face looks as red as a hemorrhoid ready to pop because your call is dropped while you’re yammering in the produce aisle, you will appear in a fictional piece.  Count on it.

          If you have not been to a dentist in 30 years and your teeth are the color of the contents of a porta-potty at an outdoor rock concert, then you might show up as my villain.

          If you are walking along at a festival swilling a pail of beer while simultaneously barfing all over the front of your “I’m Asshole” T-shirt, stretched tight across your full-term belly, and you’re a man, then look for yourself.  You will be included.

          If you’re sweet, never curse, always have your makeup/hair/wardrobe looking perfect and your clothes fit without riding up your butt crack or dropping off of your boobs, you’re safe.  I won’t write about you.  All others beware!