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Health & Fitness

Newspapers

Today I am grateful for newspapers.  Probably many of you don’t bother getting a newspaper anymore and read everything on line, but I still like to struggle with the folding, the flipping and ink on my fingers when I’m done.  I now have ink on my keyboard because I just finished reading The Philadelphia Inquirer.

 

Some people start at the beginning.  Others start at the end.  Not me.  I jump around.  We get pieces of it on Saturday so sometimes I even break my own rule and read the Travel and Parade sections a day early.  After I pull the Sports (no sports reporting here so read it yourself) for my husband, I squire away to a comfortable chair with a cup of tea and begin.  Let me share what I learned today from the collective “they”.

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Today I learned that I’m too fat to live.  Seriously.  First “they” thought that being a little fat was horrible, now they think being a little fat could help you.  They’re just not sure.  No kidding?  “A little” being the operative words here.  Being a lot fat means fugetaboutit.  You gonna get everythin’ thas out dar!  Keep your affairs in order.  Point taken.  Move on.

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They say that stroke patients experience screwed up emotions.  They are just discovering this now?  Really?  They know that stroke affects neurological function but now they are going to try to find ways to help patients deal with the emotional effects.  Thanks.  What took you so long?

 

They say that whirlpool tubs are out and exotic showers are in. I told you I jump around.  You’ve been warned so hang on, it’s going to be quite a ride. . .through my brain.  They showed a shower that sprays you from all angles, assaulting you with cleanliness.  No thanks.  There are so few things that I can control in life.  My shower needs to be one.  I don’t want to feel like I’m in a water fight with my grandkids while I’m in the shower.  Give it to me from one jet and a long hose and let me decide where it goes.

 

Some people are concerned that ice melt has stained their pavers.  The columnist gave them a scolding for not using this or that organic oop-goop instead of the dreaded crap they used.  Too little too late.  He doesn’t know what in the hell helps when you’ve been an idiot and used the wrong thing.  Try vinegar and let him know if it works.  That’ll be $500.  Thanks.

 

There are more million dollar plus homes for sale in this region than I ever knew existed.  Mine is not one of them, nor is it for sale.  Pass the salt, but don’t put it on my driveway.

 

The Ford Fiesta SFE is smaller and isn’t thirsty.  Guess it’s like a camel with a glossy red coat.  I hope it doesn’t spit!

 

There is a growing fear that we will experience a shortage of cocoa beans, making the production of chocolate difficult and more expensive.  That isn’t even funny!  Don’t print stuff like that!  It’s mean.  Why do you want to hurt normal people who are trying to maintain their fat so that they can be sure to acquire every disease known to man and give you something else to study.  No chocolate?  No thanks.  A world without chocolate is just wrong.

 

Putin might invade Ukraine.  Really?  No duh!  The CIA’s methods (waterboarding) are being questioned.  Seriously?  I didn’t know that.  Many veterans struggle with addictions to painkillers.  Sad.  Haven’t they struggled enough?  Bravo to the girl injured in the Boston Marathon bombing who is now going to Penn.

 

They say the woman who threw the shoe at Hillary Clinton had brought the extra shoe with her.  I’m glad there wasn’t a sale at Payless!  Who brings a shoe along?  If I’m giving a speech someplace and you disagree strongly enough with what I’m saying, at least have the courtesy of ripping off one of your own damned shoes to throw at me!  Limp home with one to prove your point.  It’s the least you can do! 

 

Mattress Factory is having a sale.  It’s their 9 millionth sale this week.  Be sure to get out there for the bargains and give the poor guy in the character suit holding a billion signs a break.  Keep your half-dead latte and don’t throw it at him.  Oops am I editorializing?  Maybe just a little.

 

The “Y” in Haverford is so cutting edge that they have increased membership by 20,000.  They need attendants to help park cars like at football or baseball games.  Hmmm.  Sounds like you could get a workout just walking from your parking space to the door.  Maybe you wouldn’t even have to pay for a membership.  Works for me.

 

It’s been 25 years since Abbie Hoffman died.  Peace, man! 

 

Officials in Philadelphia are investigating why so many old buildings burn down.  Because they’re old!!!!  Geeze.  Put me on that committee!

 

It’s sheep shearing time, so be kind to any bald sheep you pass in your travels.  No pointing, sniggering or shaming the naked little guys.  Promise?

 

Tissue alert. Seriously.  This is just how the “news” goes and it’s sad.  A father was shot and killed.  His funeral was the other day.  After the funeral, the same day, his four year old son was watching a video in the car.  When he saw his mom come out of the house he jumped out of the car.  He was hit by another car.  The mother and other family members witnessed it happening.  The driver stayed.  No charges are being filed.  The child died at the hospital. The family is inconsolable.  You think?  Why do I even bother with the news?  This is too sad for words.  I don’t have a problem in the world compared with this poor family.

 

There are places in Guatemala and Mexico where they are growing Eco-Palms to be used on Palm Sunday.  This will help save the rain forests.  The newspaper rips you right from one thing you’re supposed to care about to the next.  I’m having whiplash.

 

The mother of one of my favorite authors, Lisa Scottoline, is in hospice at her house.   She said her column today would not be funny, yet there was humor.  There has to be humor.  Mother Mary has given Lisa years of material.  Neither would have it any other way. 

 

Humor.  Always.  Even in death.  Even in life.  Even in the newspaper, which I am grateful to be done with.  I’m not sure I can handle anymore “news”.  Now that you’ve gotten “Mary’s notes” you don’t have to bother reading the newspaper today.  Go have some fun instead.

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