Health & Fitness
Self-Doubt
Friday, May 30, 2014
Today I am grateful for self-doubt. Oh boy. She finally snapped. Aren’t these little missives supposed to be inspirational? What on earth is inspiring about self-doubt? Don’t most of us spend our lives struggling with self-doubt? What’s good about it? Who in her right mind would be grateful for self-doubt? Me.
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Even the most confident people in the universe occasionally have self-doubt. I’m no different. Sometimes when I least expect it self-doubt creeps out of the silent spot where it’s stored in my insides and climbs into my consciousness. It doesn’t linger politely and quietly. No, not self-doubt. There is nothing subtle about self-doubt. It makes a racket. It’s as noisy and persistent as the bags of Lays Sour Cream & Cheddar potato chips on the shelf at the Shop Rite that won’t shut up when I stand in front of them as though they were a shrine. I ignore their pleading screams to buy them and move on. Self-doubt is not put off that easily. It refuses to be ignored.
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On my way to lunch with some great, new women friends, I was struggling with self-doubt about blogging. I set a goal for myself to write a gratitude a day for a year. That was last July. I’m almost there. No job I ever had has given me as much joy as this writing has. Yet I wondered. Have I overstayed my welcome? Should I just stop writing them? Could I? Do people ever read them? Are accolades or approval the reason I’m writing them? Am I boring? Preachy? Annoying? I was self-flagellating like a medieval cleric. By the time I arrived at the restaurant, I was worked into a state, but I’m a good actress, too, so you couldn’t tell. Wacky people are like that. I’m like that.
We sat down, ordered and chatted about silly stuff. Then a woman I’ve only met a few times said, “Ever since I learned about your blog I’ve been reading it every day! Even my husband says. . .’Well, what’s she grateful for today?” Bing! Heartprint! I briefly explained to her how much that meant to me because I had been struggling with self-doubt. What there wasn’t the opportunity to tell her was that her words remind me of my favorite Maya Angelou quote, “. . .they’ll never forget how you made them feel.” I won’t forget. Self-doubt got chased back to its quiet place.
I know that some of you used to read these every day and now not so much. You don’t always have time. I get it. It’s okay. No pressure. They are always there and when you need encouragement, or a chuckle, poke through archives and you’ll find just the one you need at exactly the right moment.
I know that some people have just learned about these gratitude posts. I know not each post will speak to each person. I don’t have aspirations to conquer the world situation. Okay, that’d be nice, but really I only hope to throw positive energy into an otherwise chaotic, negativity-driven universe. I don’t write them with high expectations. I write them because I can’t NOT write them. I have to write them. I’m driven to write them. I want to write them. I love writing them.
My self-doubt was short-lived and is now tamped right back down where it should be. . .silent. . .and waiting to emerge at another time to test me and force me to analyze my decisions. It is a mirror-selfie that makes me look within. Then I get a “reply”, or a “like”, or a “comment”, or a kind word from someone like I did today and I’m as refreshed as though I hit the icon on the keyboard for a re-boot.
I know that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be, doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. Sharing with you is like preparing for an Academy Award. Whether I get the statue or not, hear from you or not, it’s nice to be in the running. I’m grateful that self-doubt appeared and I’m grateful I wrestled it down. It feels good to send it hi-tailing outta here so I can be a believer again. In myself.