Tears

Today I am grateful for tears.  I didn’t want to be grateful for tears today, but tears got very pushy telling me it had to be them.  I wasn’t happy about it because I was afraid it would sound negative and that is the opposite of what I feel.  So I tried to force something else.  It would not stick.  I shed some tears in the confusion, the self-doubt, the pity party.  For what?  I have no clue.  I don’t pretend to be sane.  Are you?  Let me know what that’s like.

Tears creep to the surface a bit more than usual these days.  Is it the recent death in the family?  Is it the world situation with the sinking ferry in Korea and yet another huge loss of life, this time teenagers?  Does every story on-line need to have huge emotional overtones?  I don’t know.  Probably.  Maybe.  I guess so.

For many, many years. . . more years than were healthy. . . or than even I can remember, I felt guilty being an emotional person.  I didn’t look or sound like I was a pillar of stone, but I sure did feel like it.  I didn’t want to weep at the movie “Old Yeller” but I was a mess and refused to see it ever again.  I haven’t.  I couldn’t help sobbing when Bambi’s mother got shot.  I’m still pissed about that.  What was Walt Disney thinking?  And then “The Lion King”?  Circle of life, my ass!  Gimme laughter turned to tears next time, please.

I’ll get to thinking about someone or something and there are tears.  I don’t call them up, they just appear.  They’re not debilitating, they’re cleansing.  I don’t want to force them away anymore because it takes too much effort.  Besides, it is counterproductive to living in the moment and I really like most of my moments.  If my moment says cry, then I cry.  These little cloud bursts probably keep me from cracking up completely and melting into the castle floor like the Wicked Witch of the West.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  I’ll keep you posted on that outcome.

Being grateful for tears might seem odd, but when you’ve spent most of your life believing your emotions were wrong. . .when you’ve held back a tsunami of tears because you “should” be strong. . .it becomes a blessing to shed that belief. . .and the tears that go with it.