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Cheating Fiancee Must Come Clean Before Wedding

A fiancee cheated with an ex-boyfriend, but regretfully ended it. Now, her soon-to-be husband wants the truth.

Hey Lizzie,

I have a sticky situation here.  I have been dating my girlfriend for over four years. I am 32, she's 29. 

We have had a great relationship, and in January, I proposed. She said yes, and we have begun to plan our wedding for 2012.

A month ago, her ex-boyfriend’s wife contacted me on Facebook. She informed me that my fiancée and her husband had been seeing each other in late January through March of this year.

She and her husband were splitting, and she wanted me to know, because she thought it was "the right thing to do."

I was really upset by this news. I wanted to calm myself down before I did anything rash. I didn't speak about it to my fiancée. 

I did some snooping when she left her laptop on. I found emails that had ended the affair. They explained that she made a mistake, really loved me and wanted to be my wife. Actually, they were kind of touching in the way she was deeply sorry. I really love my fiancée, and I want to be married to her. 

Obviously, I need to talk to her about this sometime before the wedding. I would really like your advice on how I should approach this situation and upcoming marriage. I have only talked to a few people, and their advice doesn't seem to fit what would be best for myself.

Thanks,

L


Dear L,

What if you never said anything to her up until the wedding, and she still didn’t say anything to you? To think, you are marrying this person and going in knowing she cheated on you while you were engaged.

If she can keep a secret about cheating and not tell you about it, and she doesn’t act weird or awkward, that means she’s a good liar and could be lying about more.

It’s great that you found her letters to her ex that stated she’s so in love with you, but there’s an old saying: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Beware: You are going into this relationship knowing you could be in this situation again. People make mistakes, but you have to be smart enough not to fall for those mistakes.

She may never cheat on you again, but, in my opinion, a cheater is a cheater. If she cannot contain herself from cheating on you, who’s to say she won’t do it again?

People have to learn a hard lesson, and that lesson is "you can’t do that to me and get away with it."

So, you already want to marry her, and the best advice is that you have to talk about it before you get married. It doesn’t matter how you found out. All that matters is you know about it, you want to make it work, and you need to talk about what happened.

Hopefully, she will bring out the truth to you. I would like to see how long she could keep it a secret without telling you. If she doesn’t say it, then you have to. The bottom line is it has to come out before you get married.

I understand that you can’t believe it, even when you are so good to her. I also understand she really regretted her decision.

There’s something to think about in this situation, and that is resentment. Are you going to be able to marry her and not treat her with disdain the rest of your life because of what she did to you?

If you can seriously get over it and not hold it against her, I think you can move on.

No matter what the decision is, I think you should go for some type of counseling. You want to be 100 percent trusting of her, and I’m certain she wants to prove to you that she is 100 percent loyal to you now.

There’s also something else to consider: Is it a good idea to have exes as friends on Facebook? That could be the catalyst to the problem right there.

Good luck in planning your wedding and working out the truth to the situation.

I hope it truly was a mistake and you have a very happy life.

Need some advice? Write your question to dearlizziepatch@gmail.com.

Brian Rox May 11, 2011 at 05:41 PM
Hey L, "I really love my fiancée, and I want to be married to her. " Please consider simply talking to your fiance about what you think about marriage and ideas on fidelity in your upcoming marriage. Try not to bring up the fact that you know about her affair. When a person cheats they have to live with that burden and I feel she might be protecting you from that pain. You know she wants to be with you and if that's what you really want you should try to keep that in your life. You do not seem like you want to have that "confrontation" type of argument which does no one any good. Remember, If you do decide to go with the "fool me once" type of approach you will release her of this burden of holding something a secret. She will fell relief and you will fell nothing but pain and probably anger. When you reveal that you "snooped" it can cause more problems. If you do consider counseling please let the counselor know that you are looking for a "sex positive" or someone open to open relationships. I don't suggest you have an open relationship, but those counselors will better help you two through the process of dealing with this. Some counselors can bring more problems to your relationship than it's worth. She made a mistake and has admitted (not to you) that she wants to be with you. If she is really that great you should want to keep her in your life. Good luck!
aharp March 21, 2013 at 02:00 AM
I would not marry someone who cheated on me, if I knew about it. So.... What if your fiance' cheated on you with an ex-girlfriend, but didn't tell you until 4 years after you were married? Also he cheated on you two years into your marriage with a high school fling but didn't confess that either until after 4 years of marriage? Yep, that happened to me.
Allan Gomez September 08, 2013 at 12:44 PM
OMG! You should never marry a cheater. Once a cheater is always a cheater. Think about if the wife of her x-boyfriend didn't find out he was cheating on her. Who will tell you about their secret affair? I don't think your girlfriend will tell you about it and she probably carry on cheating on you even after the marriage knowing you have no clue. Your girlfriend knows her x-boyfriend wife already knew their affair and things are getting messed up. She probably already knew that you knew she cheated on you and just making those sweet words for you to read and hoping you can forgive her. Wake up! Life is too short wasting your time to a slut. You will never be the same and marrying her will just make your life miserable.

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