Cheating Fiancee Must Come Clean Before Wedding

Hey Lizzie,

I have a sticky situation here.  I have been dating my girlfriend for over four years. I am 32, she's 29. 

We have had a great relationship, and in January, I proposed. She said yes, and we have begun to plan our wedding for 2012.

A month ago, her ex-boyfriend’s wife contacted me on Facebook. She informed me that my fiancée and her husband had been seeing each other in late January through March of this year.

She and her husband were splitting, and she wanted me to know, because she thought it was "the right thing to do."

I was really upset by this news. I wanted to calm myself down before I did anything rash. I didn't speak about it to my fiancée. 

I did some snooping when she left her laptop on. I found emails that had ended the affair. They explained that she made a mistake, really loved me and wanted to be my wife. Actually, they were kind of touching in the way she was deeply sorry. I really love my fiancée, and I want to be married to her. 

Obviously, I need to talk to her about this sometime before the wedding. I would really like your advice on how I should approach this situation and upcoming marriage. I have only talked to a few people, and their advice doesn't seem to fit what would be best for myself.

Thanks,

L

Dear L,

What if you never said anything to her up until the wedding, and she still didn’t say anything to you? To think, you are marrying this person and going in knowing she cheated on you while you were engaged.

If she can keep a secret about cheating and not tell you about it, and she doesn’t act weird or awkward, that means she’s a good liar and could be lying about more.

It’s great that you found her letters to her ex that stated she’s so in love with you, but there’s an old saying: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Beware: You are going into this relationship knowing you could be in this situation again. People make mistakes, but you have to be smart enough not to fall for those mistakes.

She may never cheat on you again, but, in my opinion, a cheater is a cheater. If she cannot contain herself from cheating on you, who’s to say she won’t do it again?

People have to learn a hard lesson, and that lesson is "you can’t do that to me and get away with it."

So, you already want to marry her, and the best advice is that you have to talk about it before you get married. It doesn’t matter how you found out. All that matters is you know about it, you want to make it work, and you need to talk about what happened.

Hopefully, she will bring out the truth to you. I would like to see how long she could keep it a secret without telling you. If she doesn’t say it, then you have to. The bottom line is it has to come out before you get married.

I understand that you can’t believe it, even when you are so good to her. I also understand she really regretted her decision.

There’s something to think about in this situation, and that is resentment. Are you going to be able to marry her and not treat her with disdain the rest of your life because of what she did to you?

If you can seriously get over it and not hold it against her, I think you can move on.

No matter what the decision is, I think you should go for some type of counseling. You want to be 100 percent trusting of her, and I’m certain she wants to prove to you that she is 100 percent loyal to you now.

There’s also something else to consider: Is it a good idea to have exes as friends on Facebook? That could be the catalyst to the problem right there.

Good luck in planning your wedding and working out the truth to the situation.

I hope it truly was a mistake and you have a very happy life.

Need some advice? Write your question to dearlizziepatch@gmail.com.