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Five Best Places to Stock Up for Zombie Takeover

Chainsaws + oar = awesome. Also an added bonus: A map of your local cemeteries!

1 – . I’m a big believer in supporting local businesses, so Joe and Chris Flyzik at Wilson’s will be able to help stock you up on things like propane tanks, nails, (propane tank + nails + gun = BOOM) shovels, lawn mower blades, cement bags, chainsaws – anything sharp or heavy for a decent headshot.

2 – If you’re nowhere near Wilson’s Hardware on Main Street in Lansdale, then try Lowe's in Hatfield or Montgomeryville, or in Montgomeryville. More chainsaws, machetes, pruning saws, circular saws, (and let’s not overlook circular saw blades – they make great lethal Frisbees!) nail guns, knives, hedge trimmers. Why not? Grab a new hammer and power drill while you’re at it. Look around for items for some makeshift armor. This is the time to improvise. Duct tape an axe and a sledgehammer together and let them feel the fury of a lunatic Paul Bunyan/John Henry combo. 

3 – There are Phillies fans and there are Mets fans. There are Corvette lovers and there are Mustang lovers. There are those who like swinging swords and those who like to aim and fire. Best chance and a good stock of weapons: or . Who knows? They may have a samurai sword in the evidence room that they confiscated from some crazed loony in town. And don’t forget ammo. Lots of ammo.

If the police stations don’t work, you might have better luck at Dell's Firearm Specialists Inc., 641 Bethlehem Pike, Montgomeryville. Self explanatory.

4 – I suggest you get some wheels. Something high, off the ground. With power behind it. Something that’s really going to knock ‘em down and run ‘em over. Maybe like a or Toyota Tundra I-Force. Just keep an eye for any stowaways in the truck bed.

5 – Dick’s Sporting Goods. Now it’s time to get creative with your weapons. (And a little inspirado from “Dead Rising 2” doesn’t hurt). Grab an oar and attach a chainsaw to each end. Boom. Time to go all Darth Maul on those zombies.

If you’re lucky enough to find some boxing gloves, stick some Bowie knives in them. Talk about stick and move.

A nice 5 Wood should connect nicely with the chin. Wood baseball bat plus nails equals awesome. Maybe a good pair of running shoes. Forget it. You know they never have your size.

Be sure you know where your local cemeteries lie in Lansdale and Montgomeryville.
You can find a map on Lansdale cemeteries here and Montgomeryville cemeteries here.

Melissa Treacy (Editor) May 21, 2011 at 03:39 AM
Thank you for the laugh. It was so worth it! ;)
Christopher-Michael Snyder May 21, 2011 at 05:41 AM
Pfffft you're guilty of assuming that I'd want to survive. I plan on hugging a zombie. My plan is for a good-looking female zombie.
Kristen McMaster May 21, 2011 at 03:49 PM
People of Lansdale: Make sure to watch all the Romero movies and take notes of what and what not to do. It's never too soon to start planning! :)
Chris Wilson May 23, 2011 at 02:52 AM
Thanks Tony! This is the most fun "Best" Wilson's Hardware has ever received! Love it!
Cathy Koos Breazeal May 23, 2011 at 05:15 AM
this is hilarious! Even better than the 5 Rapture spots! For armor, how about: My husband says cut the bottom off a big aluminun trash can for body armor and use tie down straps for suspenders and then a smaller ash can for your head helmet. Oh yea, use the lids for shields! Arrr arr arr
Augustine Auch December 19, 2012 at 04:53 AM
This is why I love LansdalePatch! Great zombie survival strategy! Way to go!
Edward Wandall December 19, 2012 at 02:36 PM
They don't want to 'takeover.' They want to eat our brains. The headline should read 'Zombie Apocalypse.' However, they don't read, so you are likely safe from them complaining, Tony. Remember, you don't have to outrun the zombie. You just have to outrun the person you are with. The zombie will get them, and you get their stuff.

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