You're Killing Us, Adam Sandler

Remember when you enjoyed Adam Sandler movies? What happened?

There’s a plague, an epidemic, if you will, that has been infecting America – and even the world – since about 1999.

We can’t get away from it and there’s nothing being done about it.

In fact, a lot of Americans and other nations downright support it.

It’s not dengue fever, and it’s not any kind of influenza.

The contagion I’m referring to: Adam Sandler.

Do you remember when Adam Sandler was bearable? He was once a highlight of “Saturday Night Live”; he was right up there with Chris Farley, David Spade and Dana Carvey.

I loved watching him every Saturday, and even in those old reruns he’s tolerable.

So why have I put him in the same class as Joe Piscopo, Martin Lawrence and Dane Cook?

Dare I mess with The Zohan? Dare I say, give me a Pauly Shore movie? I’m sure it would be better than the dreck Adam Sandler has put his name on since the late ‘90s.

Have you ever watched someone on TV or on the Internet and you feel embarrassed for them?

I recently had that same feeling last night during a viewing of my awesome ABC lineup, when I was rudely and suddenly interrupted by a preview of Adam Sandler’s new movie “Jack and Jill.”

If you haven’t seen this preview, let me sum it up for you: Adam Sandler plays the same role he’s played in “Click,” “Bedtime Stories,” and “Big Daddy” AND he plays his twin sister who is coming for a visit.

This, for 100 minutes.

Adam, this shtick was hilarious 17 years ago when you threw on a wig and spoke in a Valley Girl accent, along with your buddies Spade and Farley.

Now? Eh, not so much.

And this time the brunette love interest is played by Katie Holmes-Cruise-Hubbard.

It’s like they take an old script and substitute a new actress in the role and throw in something Adam Sandler thinks is funny.

Did you even make it through “Just Go With It”? Did you expect it to get good reviews?

Big surprise.

Hell, it doesn’t stop at his movies.

When I was 14, I bought “They’re All Gonna Laugh at You,” his first comedy album. I ran that cassette tape out listening to it so much, laughing my butt off and imitating the skits. I did the same thing for his follow-up album “Stan and Judy’s Kid.”

Yeah, I cracked up at “The Thanksgiving Song” and “The Chanukah Song.” Who hasn’t? He probably gets paid off of those tracks alone.

But once that third album dropped ... Hey, want something to collect dust in your $5 bin, Used Record Store?

What I’ve noticed lately is even if Adam Sandler writes or produces a movie that he doesn’t star in, it’s almost always terrible.

He’s like the anti-King Midas of commercially-successful movies.

I'm writing this now, because I recently had an experience that was the last straw. And seeing that dumb ad for his new movie only aggravated it.

Last month, my brother-in-law wanted to go see “Bucky Larson: Born to Be A Star,” starring Nick Swardson and co-written by Sandler, along with Swardson and Allen Covert. He even said he’d pay for my ticket.

My first instinct: it’s going to suck.

But, I gave it a chance. We both loved “Grandma’s Boy,” starring Nick Swardson and Allen Covert, and written by Covert and Swardson - but not written by or starring Sandler.

“Billy Madison” was one of the funniest movies I’d ever seen as a teen; I still quote it almost daily. The same goes for the classic “Happy Gilmore.” Both of those movies were co-written by Sandler.

Well, he should have demanded his $20 back from . We would have gotten a better deal watching a monkey play with Silly Putty for two hours.

 So, what happened after “Billy Madison,” “Happy Gilmore” and “The Wedding Singer”? Did he run out of ideas? Does the youth of today relate to this guy?

It’s comparable to watching Hulk Hogan wrestle or Vanilla Ice rap today. You may love those guys, but you just want to run up to them and grab them by their Fu Manchu or line-shaved eyebrows and yell, “PLEASE! STOP!

Maybe you’re reading this and you’re saying to yourself, “This guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about: I loved ‘Mr. Deeds’” or “Come on, Tony, you loved ‘Airheads.’”

To the former I say, “You’re the only one.” To the latter, I say, “Yes. Great movie. But that was way before ‘Billy Madison’ and ‘Happy Gilmore.’ When he was funny. And he didn't write it.”

Let’s look at the tolerable movie roles in films that he did not write: “Airheads,” “Bulletproof” (even that is questionable), “Coneheads.” Even dramatic turns in “Punch-Drunk Love” and “Spanglish,” while a little much, weren’t that bad.

And yet, Adam Sandler continues to lend his voice to idiotic movies like “The Zookeeper” and write and star in time-wasters like “Grown Ups.”

But somehow, some way, Adam Sandler made $50 million last year, and ranks third in the highest-paid actors between May 2010 and May 2011, according to Forbes.

Third highest. Unbelievable.

This guy would probably produce, write and star in a film about a farting cow, and it would make bank. (I'm afraid I might have just jinxed us).

There’s no sign of Sandler’s infection healing; just more rubbing of salt into the wound.

That’s too bad – for me, the price will always be wrong, b-tch.


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